When asked to write this post I was in the midst of a week long emotional breakdown. I can be very dramatic a lot of the time, but this was different. I thought “I am not happy right now, there is no way I can write about happiness”.
After being reminded for the third time to write this (thank you for bugging me Jordan) I sat there and thought about it, I realized I was wrong. There is no better time for me to write about happiness. This year has changed my life when in ways I never saw coming. Me being a recovering alcoholic, I HATE change. I was okay at first, it gave me an excuse to isolate and I loved it. After a few months and being forced to cancel multiple trips to see family, working from home, spending the holidays without family and my social life being almost nonexistent, I started to feel very lonely. I was not happy at where my life was at the moment, it was not where I “expected” it to be. The expectations of having the perfect career, the right amount of money, the crazy exciting social life and a significant other were no where in sight and did not feel tangible. After some time of keeping these feelings to myself, it all came out. Hence this emotional breakdown I was in. I opened up to people around me and I realized I was not the only one feeling this way and that I should be proud of where my life is today. Yes, my life has changed, but it didn’t change for the worse.
As I rang in the new year, I started thinking about what I was grateful for and what brought me happiness this year. • I celebrated 8 years of sobriety • I am 100% self-supporting (My #1 goal when I first got sober)
• I paid off my car
• I got my own apartment
• I have an AMAZING job
• Everyone in my life has stayed healthy
• I got to travel and experience things I would have never done before COVID
• I spent some amazing quality time with close friends
• I spent more time than I ever have facetiming with my family
• I can say today that I truly love myself
• I can spend time being alone, which I could never spend more than an hour alone in the past
• I have an amazing, cute, corky French Bulldog that makes me so happy
• I have so many genuine relationships.
2020 truly has been a year of blessings that I was blinded by because of this “expectation” of where my life should be. I do not have the blueprint to the way my life will play out and that is okay. I know that my god, higher power or whatever you want to call it gives me only what I can handle, even when I feel like I can’t.
The biggest thing I learned this year is that my happiness needs to come from within and my perspective is everything. I have everything I need and everything I could ask for, but if my thinking is skewed, I will not be happy.