I cried in the shower this morning. When I say cry, I mean full blown blubbering in-between washing my hair, face and body. I can laugh now thinking about how ridiculous I must’ve looked - wash, cry, scrub, cry, rinse, cry. There were even moments when I was washing and crying at the same time (I know, truly impressing).
In the midst of family hardship, contemplating my romantic relationship, hardly fitting into my jeans, and having the day-after-Christmas blues, I’ve also been accompanied by my lower self. She tells me, “you are alone”, “you weigh the most you’ve ever weighed”, “you’re a terrible and selfish daughter”, “you’re not important”, and my all time favorite - “you don’t deserve to be happy”.
It’s hard to be happy when you feel unworthy of it. This is a reoccurring experience that I endure regularly in sobriety/recovery, and I always hold onto the same reoccurring conclusion that this too shall pass. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but (thankfully) I am always right. It passes as quickly as it came. Even when I am fully convinced that “this time is different, it really is”.... It’s not, it’s really not.
There was a time I didn’t believe in God anymore, and even then when I had lost faith in God I had not lost the faith that God was bigger than my doubtfulness in Him. And what do you know... it passed.
What brings me happiness today and everyday is having the faith that God is alive. God is alive in you, in me, in my circumstances, in the results, in my relationships, in the hardship, in the doubtfulness, in the mundane moments and in the extraordinary ones, in the times I’m washing my face with my tears mixed in with my face wash, and especially in-between the words my lower self tries to convince me of.
Thank God for God.